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It's been over a year of self delusion, and here I'm, making a conscious choice - Grande Bowl with beans and extra guacamole on top. My internal NutriScore gives it a B+, making it a no-brainer if I'm ever to come to terms with my oldest of friends. Still on the verge of broke due to unconscious decisions, if you could call them that. We all have our demons and I'm slowly exorcising mine, one by one as they come and go. Things found can be lost again. Things lost can be found again. Life is a balancing act.
My love induced insanity made me lose you, grieving I found myself. Your gravitational pull acted as a slingshot, bouncing off of you into all that I would become. The best advice I can give to any reject is to never ask "Why not?". All answer given pale in comparison to any answer found within. The journey is mine and mine only. After all, where it tickles and where it hurts is the only thing I want to know. Words are of no service to such a question.
If there is one thing I wish I could alter, it would be my inability to express, to emote in a non-performative manner. Though my certainty grows stronger with each passing day that what I yearn is bordering on utopia. Not that long ago I got into an argument with a man in his fifties who had less to lose than me. Potentially. My stress levels were elevated, though manageable. I collected myself within 10 minutes and carried on with my life. But meeting you, for the twentieth time, after months of no contact and I still cannot let go fully.
My delusions are as much a part of me as my insatiable love for gummy bears. And thus here goes another game of let's suppose. Let's suppose that we are right for each other. Now I understand why was your "No." necessary. I fell in love deep, deep into the abyss. It took me over a year to crawl out, my hair still in veil of ashes. But now I understand. Life is a balancing act and for any relationship to bear fruits, the two must face equal.
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